I recently* ran across a somewhat breathy article on the hash tag SEVEN BEST STATES TO HIKE WITH GREMLINS AND MEN WITH BEARDS AND HATS or something. I also saw a video from teh Hash Tag World's Greatest Ranking Person Or Thing, "Peak" Rankings. (TL;DR, they claim WA is less gooder than ID, which as a local to both states in various eras of life, I gotta say, sure, yeah, totally. I mean Idaho is plumb full of zones like Hemispheres and The King and The Valley of The Cliffs and International and Schim's Meadow and Cowboy Mountain and Northback and Piss Pass and Bomber Cliffs and The Elk Chutes and Table and The Arm and the Microwave and and and and and.) It got us thinking that we haven't rated the seven best states for skiing. You're welcome.
1. Colorado. Everybody knows it. When it looks this good, you just can't help it:
Like all those WA Lotto Scratch ads, How Can You Not?
Really, CO has its share of true gems like Ski, Cooper, Ski, and Heartland, Woof Crick and the butterfly place. There's a few little guys like Hesperus (if James Mercer can ever get it open) and Howelson Hill, which, history, adversity, all that, and Echo Mountain, that fit right in there with all the Midwesty joints everywhere. There's enough not-Vail to fill a wheelbarrow twice and still have a few slices of Port Salut with lingonberry leftover. Just don't tell me Breckenridge is the best cos everybody goes there or something. I'd definitely rather ski Crescent Hill. Which is in the Nebraska part of Iowa.
2. Denial. I mean, let's be honest. What's better than finishing a ski day, calling in sick for the next day, then going skiing again? Nothing, that's what. Well, actually, come to think of it, doing that when you are 11 and you're skipping school to avoid turning in a paper you were assigned a week prior before having nine days off for Spring Break that neither you nor your buddy Aram have started yet.
15 Mar 2020, yes. THAT day. Definitely in denial, definitely tryna mellow the state of anxiety, definitely at Bogus Basin, Boise NF, Boise County, ID.
3. Pain. Pain kinda goes along with denial, if we're being honest. I'm gonna keep goin even though it hurts. It's gonna stop hurting any time, right? I know it's arthritis and full thickness chondral loss, but if I just ignore it, it'll get better. Do you have any Voltaren? Skiing more will habituate the nerves to their current situation and they'll stop sending pain signals. I SAID DO YOU HAVE ANY VOLTAREN?! I'll just adapt my technique a little. Or my gear. If I swap to a longer ski with a longer turn radius and then detune the life out of the edges with a bench grinder, then there won't be any radial torque on the joint. That'll make it better, right? Right? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SAYING IT LOUDER DOESN'T MAKE ANY VOLTAREN APPEAR?!?!
YEAH BUT IS YOURS AUTOGRAPHED
4. Sobriety. I'm not joking here, even though I almost always am. Folks talk about startin in on the sowse at like 7.30 in the before noon, or that that liquid courage is the only thing that's gettin em down them thar black diamonds. If you gotta plumb drunk yerself into doing something stupid, and think that skiing them thar black diamonds is stupid, come to think of it, maybe skiing isn't the best thing you could be doin with your time? Just a thought.
Proud to say, just like meth, not even once. Jägerbombs? What the actual f
5. Solid. This one's harder to clarify. I mean, tube amps definitely sound better, but that one Boston song was pretty aight and I'm pretty sure everything that cat did was controlled down to the minute minutiae. Then again, a nice warm tube amp, some juju I never understood, and a hollowbody, and everything ///bzzbzz THIS JUST IN /// TOM SHOLZ PLAYED A BUNCH OF TUBE AMPS NEVER MIND. Wait, you were probly thinking states of matter cos snow is solid? BUT HOW DO THE CLOUDS EVEN GET HERE I ASK?!?!? Never mind. Now I'm just confused. As I was saying, snow is definitely best for skiing when it's in its solid state. Water skiing? Heck no. I'll take these midsize dirtrash scrapes on my arms from riding the mountain bike poorly over drowning in crappy shorts at the bottom of a dirty lake any day.
6. Delirium. I mean, as long as it's metaphorical. Delirious with wonder, or with amazement. I imagine something like this:
Whatever floats yer boat, I guess. Is this the thing what Lake Louise is talkin abote?
7. Bliss. Lest this sound like an ad for Tamarack, hear me out. We lived in Ashland, lest you forget, and we learned from the best. If you're blissed out on life, it doesn't matter if the world is crumbling around you or, like, Windsor is broken and there's wolverine-shaped demons in the trees. Or if it hasn't snowed since October and it's January. Or if it really is time to go to the ski swap and replace your '99 Piste Stinx with a real up-to-date ski, like the '01 Piste Stinx. Or if, say, your Micro Grid Hoodie tee em smells like you haven't washed it since the Clinton administration. I mean, tele till yer Melly is smelly, amirite?
8. Norrbotten. Shoot. That's a county. Never mind. Still, it's home to one of the best names in skiing, Riksgränsen. It's right on the border with Norway, such that you can physcially ski in both countries during one run. Don't quote me on the political situation, but I'm pretty sure aside from The Swedes thinking The Norrmännen are hicks who only eat knock-off Icelandic food or something and The Norwegians calling The Svenskene Saab Driving Pickled Herring Bankers or whatever, you're good. Oh, and the name? If the various translation services available on a popular search engine currently in the late-middle stages of
platform decay are to be believed, it means National Border. And if you know anything bout me, you know I do love me some literal.
CO? More like CNO. Norrbotten gots that good arctic sun and to us proud Americans, it's about as exotic as it gets. You could tell me this was skiing in Tajikistan and I'd be like, okay, maybe it is. But then I'd push up my glasses and be like, WELL ACTUALLY YOU SEE THAT U-SHAPED PASS IN THE DISTANCE JOKE'S ON YOU I KNOW ABISKO WHEN I SEE PICTURES OF IT.
Lest you doubt I could do it twice. Never forget I am the best skier on the mountain.
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Title from Steve Young's classic Seven Bridges Road, which you probly thought was written by The Angry Birbs or whoever just like everyone thinks Janis wrote Me and Bobby Flay. And before you say it, yes, Steve Young is also that one quarterback who played for BYU. I think he threw some NFL passes, too. He's no Joe North Dakota, though, speaking of states that have skiing somewheres.
* Just now. On the internet.
And yes, I know it's Sunshine Village. Don't at me.
bzzbzz///THIS JUST IN THE OWNER OF MOUNTAIN CAPITOL PARTNERS WHO ARE THE OWNERS OF HESPERUS IS ACTUALLY JAMES COLEMAN NOT JAMES MERCER THAT GUY'S IN THE SHINS SORRY FOR ANY CONFUSION THANKS
Now pretend he's in a football uniform. I think it's the same guy.
